The Impossible Dossier is a parody story about the Galactic Senate Special Operations Corps. It is not meant to be considered part of any storyline and was written just for fun. The GSSOC receives a mission to rescue someone that couldn't possibly exist. Feel free to add.
The Impossible DossierEdit
Ckeros Aldorus awaited them. "Ah gentlemen, we have yet another mission for you. This one is...different..."
"How so?" Etah asked.
"Well, it's actually quite simple. You're supposed to go to this faraway kingdom and rescue a captive princess."
Tholker asked, "Uh, no thanks. I don't want to deal with stuck up little-"
"Oh Tholker," the Grandmaster interupted. "We picked this mission particularly because this princess's dossier is...intriguing. Whoever she is deserves to be captured and studied. I'm not sure how such an individual could even exist."
"Care to explain?" Ahrganot said.
"Uh...how about you just look at the dossier on paper." He handed Tholker a piece of paper while Ahrganot and Etah huddled around it. Tholker began reading out loud.
"Name: Princess M'er'i'su...Okay, I'm sorry. That's a stupid name. How are you supposed to pronounce that anyway? Are those apostrophes even necesary?"
"It only gets worse from there," Ckeros added.
Tholker continued. "Personality....it's blank. Oh wait, there's a little footnote here. 'She's perfect, completely innocent, flawless and immune to corruption. Everyone loves her and she is always right with everything.' Nah, this can't be real, right?"
"No flaws whatsoever?" Ahrganot said. "C'mon. There's got to be something there."
"Wait, and even smaller footnote. It says she's stubborn, but she's still always right," Tholker said.
Ahrganot then pointed out, "Oh look at that list of languages she knows. 562?! No translators?! And she's completely fluent in all of them?!"
"Oh check this out. She can talk to animals apparently," Tholker said.
"Um...Grandmaster?" Etah said. "Is this a joke?"
"Nope. I am not kidding about this," Ckeros replied. The GSSOC continued reading the dossier.
As they got to the appearance part of the dossier, Tholker burst out laughing. The dossier described her appearance as 'So beautiful, it's a curse' and Kaleidoscope eyes.
Etah noted, "Oh look. This person has combat experience apparently. It says that despite not making an effort to maintain her physical condition, she is the absolute best in combat even surpassing those who have trained all their lives. And the amount of time she's spent in training? Two days. No...just...no...I don't buy that."
Ahrganot turned to Ckeros and said, "You know Grandmaster? I'm sorry. We're declining this mission. If this princess is who she says she is, then she clearly doesn't need our help. She can go rescue herself!"
The Grandmaster replied, "Oh well, I thought you might say that. But I actually forgot to mention that she's native to another universe where the laws of logic don't apply."
Ahrganot, Tholker and Etah said at the same time, "That explains everything!"
As the team turned to leave, Tholker came up with one last weakness that the princess might have.
"Let me see the dossier." Zhevhyit tore the folder out of the Grandmaster's hands.
"Alright here... Beautiful... No training... Ah! She can't be bulletproof! I know every cartridge in the galaxy! At least one of them can crack those pretty kneecaps or burst that pretty liver... Oh, they're all listed..." Tholker's face scrunched up more and more as he scanned the list of bullets that the princess was resistant to, "Horrible. Absolutely horrible. A kiss or a towel will heal a wound even from a HE 1.4stv arty round... A part of me wants to try that out..."
Etah turned and smirked.
"Not the first thing! The second one, with the artillery..."